What drives someone to abuse another person?
If we’re going to talk about how to talk about how to support someone who has been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship, then it is also important to talk about why does the person abuse others?
You might be thinking this topic seem’s less important when it comes to the idea of abusive relationships, yet it’s equally as important as the other side. Because when you can gain an understanding why someone feels the needs to be abusive to another person it starts to transform the experience for the person whose been on the receiving end of the abuse.
See if I were to jump on the band wagon with my clients and add fuel to the fire as to why the person who abused them was ‘this or that’ then it would bring NO help to my client at all. As all that is doing is solidifying their experience into their mind, body and spirit by validating their view and experience. Side note – I in NO WAY condone abuse, it’s NEVER ok!
Why bring compassion to the person whose been the abuser?
Flowing on from what I had just said, when we bring compassion to the person who was the abuser then we are able to sit in a space of openness, empathy and support to the person whose been on the receiving end of the abuse.
Might sound counter intuitive?
But the thing is when we understanding that the person who was the abuser was only doing the best they could with the tools, social programming and upbringing they have had then it allows us to open up to be that support for the person whose been on the receiving end of the abuse. Namely as it allows the focus to be given to the person who is requiring it the most, ie the person who has been on the receiving end and not the guilty party in the situation ie the abuser.
So why do people abuse others?
I mentioned about social conditioning and upbringing, these play a massive factor into it. But what I would say is a higher level factor is a major lack of self understanding. For many who abuse others they find themselves at times confronted with an emotion that he or she is not familiar with, cannot articulate and overbears them with an uncomfortable feeling.
Because this feeling has them feel so uncomfortable and unable to to express in a healthy manner they have an internal energy building up they are unable to be with. This energy goes from frustration to anger and sometimes rage for these individuals as over the years this is the only way they have found will help them get back to a neutral internal state.
This is where I say it’s a severe lack of self awareness and self understanding coupled with a lack of tools to be able to use the internal energy buildup in a healthy and productive way.
Now when there is someone else who is present at the moment who this person relates to as the reason for them feeling uncomfortable and this internal energy they don’t understand or can articulate they will take it out on this person. This act is again is a strategy they have learnt over the years will bring their environment back to a neutral energy they are comfortable with. This can show up in many different forms such as physically over powering someone or making emotionally damaging comments. As they have learnt it is the fastest way to return the relationship dynamics back to one that they are comfortable with and in many cases it’s a dynamic where the abuser is again ‘in control’ of the other person. This way their environment is predicable as an abusive person is not comfortable with a non predictable environment.
An abusers view on the world…
Their view is that the world is out to get them, that they are a victim of their environment and they are always having to defend or fight for their place in this world.
For some this statement above might have triggered something, because maybe you resonate with it and now feel like I’m ‘pointing the finger your way labelling you as an abuser.’ I’m not saying that if you view the world this way above that you’re automatically an abuser, but what I am saying is that this is a common view and that if you’re backed into the corner enough maybe that side of you will come out.
How do I know this? Because there was a time 10+ years ago for me when I didn’t know myself enough and would punch walls and once broke my car tail light because I didn’t understand how to process the internal energy that was going on for myself and I would outwardly discharge it. Not a phase I am proud of but one that I went through nonetheless and for me looking back at it I know that I just didn’t have any education around emotions, self awareness or an ability to disassociate with what was going on internally for myself. Instead I saw that the world was against me and that if I showed emotions it was a weakness but in some areas of life anger is deemed acceptable or forgivable.
So what do do if you resonate?
First step is understanding this is a trait that you have, understanding that it is a lack of self understanding and be compassionate to yourself for this aspect and if you’re ready to free yourself (and those around you) from it then schedule a free clarity call with myself today! Click Here to schedule as it’s time to start transforming this relationship with yourself and free yourself from the chains that you have place around yourself.
And for anyone who has been on the receiving end of abuse, if you’re ready to free yourself from the nightmares that still haunt you, click here to schedule a free clarity call with myself today! It’s time to bring peace back to your life again.